Let Your Kids Have Their Feelings
Children’s strong emotions are often challenging for parents. When children express anger, sadness or worry despite all that parents have done to entertain them, care for them and keep them safe, parents often have their own strong feelings! Our own emotional reactions can result in us responding in ways that make our kids feel misunderstood.
Take some time to reflect on your emotional reactions to your child’s emotions. Do you feel angry when they show anger? Do you feel scared when they show anger? What about when they are sad? You might feel sad, helpless, or annoyed. Children’s worry or fear sometimes leads to parents feeling stressed, impatient or sad. Notice how your emotional reactions impact the way you guide your children in understanding and coping with feelings and situations.
My experience working with children and families has revealed how powerful it is for children to feel accepted as they are, even when they have negative emotions. Before describing how to do that, it is helpful to be aware of common ways parents inadvertently don’t acknowledge or try to “talk kids out of” their feelings.
Trying to problem-solve too soon
On the way home from school, Emma begins crying and says “Avery ignored me and didn’t want to play with me at recess!” Her mother (not noticing her own feelings of sadness and worry for Emma) quickly replies “No, Emma, I’m sure there was a misunderstanding. You might have done something to upset her. We’ll call Avery’s mom tonight and figure it out.”
Distracting them from the feeling
Laura is having fun playing with toys. When she runs over to the bookcase to get more blocks, she trips and lands hard. She begins to cry loudly. Her father says “Hey Laura, look out the window! I saw a squirrel!”
Guiding them in coping strategies too soon
Henry is having a great time on his playdate. When it is time to leave, he flops on the floor and cries “I don’t want to go!” His mother reminds him that his amygdala is acting up and tells him to take deep breaths to calm down.
Dismissing the feeling
Sean goes to the climbing gym with his dad. After getting his gear on, he stands at the bottom of the wall, looks up and says “I’m too scared. I can’t do it.” His father says “You’re not scared. You climbed a wall that was harder than this one just the other day.”
Explaining why they shouldn’t have the feeling
Harry falls off his bicycle and scrapes his knee. He cries and runs to his father who says “Don’t cry. It’s not even bleeding.”
Explaining the reason for the rule or limit over and over
Mason wants to go skateboarding with his friends at the park. His mom says “No, you can’t go because it’s too late.” Mason says “It’s not fair! Jaxton and Quinn are going!” His mom responds “Well it’s going to get dark soon and I don’t want you walking home in the dark.” Mason argues “You’re so overprotective, mom! There are street lights, duh!” His mom says “Yes but cars can’t see you as well in the dark and you could get hit!” Mason says “I’m not a little kid mom! I know how to watch for cars!” His mom replies “Well it’s also not safe because someone could try to mug you and you wouldn’t see them coming!” Mason says “You’re such a b***h!” His mom says “That’s it! You’re grounded for a week! Give me your phone!”
Giving in to demands
Xavier says “Mom, can I use your phone?” Mom says “No, not right now.” Xavier whines “Why not?” Mom says “because you should play with something else now.” Xavier says “Please! I never get to use it!” Mom knows Xavier will keep bothering her until she gives it to him, so she gives in “Okay, fine.”
Reminding them about their responsibilities (when they already know)
Dad reminds Liam, “It’s time to get ready to go to tutoring.” Liam shouts “I don’t want to go! It’s so boring!” Dad reminds him “It’s your responsibility to go. You do tutoring every Tuesday and Thursday.”
Notice how your child responds to the approaches above. They might escalate their behavior, cry louder, call names, withdraw and go silent or even run from the room. We rarely get the response we hope for--our child immediately feeling better and behaving better. That’s because we are trying to skip past the part of our child’s and our own uncomfortable feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment or fear. The good news is it’s okay to feel uncomfortable!
Instead of talking our kids out of their feelings, we need to acknowledge the feelings and help our children deal with them. How do we do that? One of the simplest and most validating ways is to express empathy by describing the situation and the feeling your child seems to be experiencing:
For Emma: “It’s really hurtful to be ignored.”
For Laura: “Ouch, you landed hard and that hurt!”
For Henry: “It’s hard to leave when you’re having fun.”
For Sean: “You’re noticing how big this wall is and feeling pretty scared.”
For Harry: “Oh, you’re sad you fell off your bicycle and hurt your knee!”
For Mason: “I get it that you really wish I would change my mind and that you’re mad at me about it.”
For Xavier: “You really want to use my phone and are frustrated I’m not letting you use it now.” (While not giving it to them!)
For Liam: “So tutoring's really boring for you, huh?”
Notice your child’s response when you take that moment to acknowledge the very real feelings that they have. Try to imagine their point of view as a child who is still developing their ability to manage emotions and who is experiencing some of these challenging situations for the first time. Do they agree with what you say? Correct you? Immediately improve their behavior?!? Maybe or maybe not. No matter what, you’ve successfully let your child know that you notice, accept and care about their feelings. That will go a long way toward their developing ability to understand and manage their emotions and behavior.
